Thursday, November 10, 2016

A Much Delayed Update

Hey y'all!!

Before I get started, some of this blog post might be a bit TMI for some. 
If you can't handle that don't go any further. I keep it real with my readers.

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I haven't blogged since March 17th and here it is November 10th.
I thought about completely deleting this entire blog, but even though I haven't barely glanced at this site, I left it up for others.

I've been thinking about just writing one post for a few weeks, maybe I will continue afterwards, it really depends on how I feel after I click the 'publish' button. I've been told for a while that I need to continue to blog, because it has helped others and in some weird way it has helped me. I let this blog go based on the fact that I felt like I couldn't possibly encourage others in any way with how hopeless I felt.

You're suppose to tell people not to give up.

If you want something so badly to keep reaching.

But when do you stop? 
When do you look at the situation and wonder when you should allow yourself to move forward and heal?

I guess you're not exactly giving up if you are moving forward. What counts is that you tried.

Since my sweet husband and I came together we've had talks about starting a family together one day.. yea, even before he slipped a ring on my finger, we were in talks about it.

Even before we were married we weren't against the idea of it happening then. We were trying, but not trying. Some see that wrong, but we were just so wrapped up in each other, it didn't matter to us. Looking back now, it wouldn't have been the greatest time for all that to go down, but that isn't an issue.

We didn't get married to create a bunch of youngins', but it was a bonus for us. We married each other, because we love each other so much!! 
We often talked about what features of each other we thought would be cool to pass on to our children... I dreamed of our kids having his beautiful eyelashes and skin and his loving heart, patience, and the ability to be positive through any storm.. he would tell me that he would love for our kids to have my eyes and creativity and pass on my goofiness... he is goofy too.. we're goofy together.. it is my favorite thing!

After "trying, but not trying" to get pregnant before we were married, I had this huge hunch that something wasn't right with me and so we decided to chill out, finish up wedding planning, get hitched in June of 2011 and then see a doctor, so we did.

I was diagnosed with PCOS. Huge blow for me at the time, but I had some answers. The doctor looked at me and told me, "I am not educated enough to handle your situation"... 

I AM NOT EDUCATED ENOUGH TO HANDLE YOUR SITUATION.

I felt sick. I was embarrassed. I remember immediately feeling like I didn't want anyone in the entire world knowing that I had PCOS.

I felt different. Weird even.

I knew after I got home from my doctor appointment and did some Googling, that PCOS explained a lot of what I had dealt with for MANY years. Into my early teens, I would express my concerns with my body to doctors only to be told "it is just an imbalance, you'll be okay, you'll straighten out"... no big deal I thought back then. I wish it were no big deal.

Chris and I decided to take this head on. He supported and pushed me. He is a wonderful man!

I started fertility charting and found a new doctor and began my first fertility treatment with Clomid.

And then another treatment.

Then I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism after my fertility charting showed that my basal body temperature wasn't normal. My basal body temperature was fairly lower than the normal person and that gave my doctor a hint that I needed my thyroid checked and sure enough like I had thought already, I was then diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.

I started thyroid meds and at some point before then I had also started Metformin to help my PCOS.

I did another fertility treatment.

Each one I would respond less and less, with the exception of my ovaries getting pissy with the last Clomid cycle and I ended up with a ping pong ball sized hemorrhagic cyst on my ovary. What a blast that was.. it sucked. I was in so much pain that I couldn't even dress myself.

After healing I started Letrozole aka Femara and I tried that a few times.

Failed.

Failure after failure.

Month after month I would fail a fertility treatment.. I would get more and more depressed.. My weight was going up and down, but mostly up. Fertility medicines are not easy on a body, especially one that is messed up already.

Here comes 2013 and I decided that I needed a break.

We hopped on the Paleo bandwagon and took a ride. I was able to shed 30lbs!

I was exercising some (mostly walking daily), eating a lot healthier than before, and I wasn't shoving fertility meds into my body and I felt good. I thought I would prepare my mind to gear up for fertility treatments again.

To our surprise and everyone else's I got pregnant naturally!

That was unbelievable. I still look back and wonder how that happened. I mean, I know how babies are made, but how did that happen?!

Chris and I joke about how one day I was walking into our home at the time and I tripped and landed halfway inside the house and halfway outside. I bonked my nose on the floor and hit my tummy on the threshold of the door.. he thinks it popped an egg out of my ovary.. maybe it did lol!! So now we always say that I just need to belly flop on the floor and BAM pregnant.. it doesn't work, don't do that y'all no matter how desperate you get lol!!

I lost that baby.

No one prepares you for that and I guess it is hard to. You don't think that you will be one of those women who face a miscarriage. Once I found out that I was pregnant, it was in the back of my mind, because I knew at the time that my medical issues raise the risk for miscarriage, but I was on Cloud Baby (not 9, this cloud was much more exciting for me) and I was just over the moon excited!! Seeing the glow on Chris's face while I was pregnant, just made my heart explode.. he was a proud man.. and seeing the look on his face when we were told, "I'm sorry honey, there is no heartbeat" tore me up. Watching him cry ripped my heart into pieces. We cried together. I can still see his face in my head.

Having your child die is a strange pain.. you don't expect that. You get pregnant, you expect the pregnancy to suck, you expect to deliver a healthy baby, and watch it grow and be awesome. But when you're faced with the opposite of that, it throws you into a spiral of sadness in a hole of darkness. I genuinely hated myself for a long time.

I hated myself so much I couldn't hardly look at myself in the mirror. I felt betrayed by my body. I couldn't look at myself with any confidence. I was disgusted with every inch of my body inside and out. I didn't care if I woke up the next day. I felt like I had lost my purpose in life. It is deep stuff, but if you've gone through this you know.. you may have felt things differently and dealt with it differently, but you know.

It took me a while to dust myself off. I gained a lot of strength from losing that baby.

I was empowered to beat this beast of infertility. I fought hard.

We tried naturally getting pregnant.. we tried more fertility treatments.. added in the Ovidrel shots to help force ovulation.

I saw doctor after doctor.

More failures.

More negativity in my life. It wouldn't stop. I felt like I was being hit left and right. I felt like I couldn't come up for air, I was being smothered by my pain. Just tumbling down a staircase that never ends.

I am watching people get pregnant naturally.. I am watching people beat their own infertility..

I am watching myself crumble.

My husband took on a new, better job.. better insurance came with it and we learned that I would finally have infertility coverage.

I felt like a little bit of weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was ready to see these specialists and get it going.

Countless tests.. blood work after blood work.

Two failed IUIs.

And now here comes IVF.

By this point I had already tried about 20 rounds of fertility treatments. All failures.

I had no monitoring for some to full on "we know you ovulated by blood work and ultrasound" monitoring and still no pregnancy.

IVF was a beast. I felt like IVF was my only chance at becoming a mother to a living child. For a change I felt some confidence!

My goodness, I was scared to death, because I finally felt like our dreams would come true and scared to death of what IVF would bring to the table... and scared to death to face another miscarriage.

When you're handed a nearly 30 page booklet to read and sign for both knowledge and legal reasons, it gets you a little nervous... you see things like raising the risk for cancers, which is something I was scared to think about considering that when I had started my IVF meds my mother-in-law had passed away from fighting breast cancer... you also see info on the medications and how the process goes.. and you fill out forms on how to handle your precious embryos if you or your partner or both dies or you go through divorce..

I know they have to ask what to do with the leftover embryos, but to think about it was something I didn't even want to think about.

I did a fresh embryo transfer, it failed.. I don't recommend those, just my opinion. Let your body rest after going through those medications and do a frozen embryo transfer a month or two or more later, it'll be easier on your body.

Then came time for the frozen embryo transfer.. easy peasy.. and I got pregnant and I lost that baby.

I don't want to go into full detail on the documented losses I've had while dealing with infertility, but they are on this blog site for you to read.. just go through my archives. 

I went through a lot after that loss. Here it is November and I'm still struggling.

From April to October my body had gave me such a horrible time.

I had planned after the baby passed away on Christmas day of 2015 and me naturally passing the baby January 3rd that I would take all of 2016 and get my body right. I wanted to eat better and exercise. I wanted to give my body a better chance with or without ever having a baby, because I needed to.. I've been through so much, I needed to get my health in check. And my sister-in-law was getting married and I wanted to look damn good in my bridesmaid dress.

It took quite some time for my body to settle after the miscarriage. It took until sometime late in February for my hormones to reach normal levels. In March I signed back up at the gym and I was getting started at working on my health. 

April rolls around and I get my period for the first time on my own since the miscarriage. I did have a forced period with medication after the miscarriage. I thought that since I had gotten my period on my own, which I never do, that things were looking up for my body.

May comes.. June comes.. I'm still bleeding.

July comes.. I'm still bleeding..

And I wasn't just lightly bleeding, no.. I was full on pouring blood like a faucet on high all day and night with extremely large clots. I couldn't hardly leave the house or sleep at night because of how bad it was.

I thought that my body was really having some issues so I was able to get in with a new OB/GYN.

By this time I started feeling really sick, I was miserable.

I started feeling symptoms that I wasn't use to.

Here I was constantly gushing blood, but I'm jittery, sweaty, my heart was constantly feeling like it was about to rip out from my chest.. in the blink of an eye I had lost 5lbs. Losing weight is great, but it fell off me in a blink of an eye and I mean that. That isn't typical of my body, I don't lose weight easily.. thanks to PCOS and Hypothyroidism, my metabolism is so slow.. HOW SLOW IS IT you wonder.. well if I had to compare it to a critter, it would be a half dead snail.

My new OB/GYN doctor determined I was being over medicated for my thyroid. I was now in Hyperthyroid territory. After feeling hyperthyroid, I would rather feel hypothyroid.. they both suck though, so don't get it twisted.

I also had to do a biopsy. My doctor was very concerned that I could have cancerous cells growing in my uterus, because of how much bleeding and how large the clots were.

He explained to me that cancer cells can grow out of control and we needed to know what we were dealing with. He wanted me to have it done instead of scheduling a new appointment, he didn't want me to leave without doing the biopsy.

I've had a biopsy done before. When I did IVF, my endometrium lining was biopsied to see if it was healthy enough to support a pregnancy, so I know how it feels. Having a biopsy done isn't the best thing ever, but it isn't the worst, so I was cautiously okay with doing it.

I was prepped and ready to have it done. He walked me through the entire thing and a nurse held my hand. This biopsy was different. It was more than uncomfortable, it was intense. I did my best to force myself to lay on the exam table, I jumped, I screamed and cried. I couldn't keep myself together. The nurse looked over at me and said, "oh honey, you have to be so tender in there from all you are going through.. just squeeze my hand". That biopsy felt like 30 minutes when it probably lasted for 30 seconds, a minute or two tops. I am not going to sugar coat it, if you're going through what I have described and you're scheduled for a biopsy, be prepared just in case... it might be easier for you, at least I hope it will be.

The doctor got himself together, talked to me a bit, gave me a hug and told me he will do whatever he can to help me and took my biopsied tissue, leaving me and the nurse in the room.

The nurse tells me, "honey, you have some clots, you are going to want to clean up".. okay.. and she hugs me and leaves the room.

I was not prepared for what I saw.

I hate to even say it, but I try to keep it real with y'all. I see how others find my blog by some of the things they Google. So, if you are a little squeamish, do not read the next little bit between the dots..

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I hopped off the table and I noticed the nurse had put out handfuls of cleansing wipes, pads, and other things and even left the drawer open so that I could get more if needed.

I looked over to the table.. there was a massive blob of clots on the table.. maybe the size of a 32oz Gatorade bottle just sitting there.

I got myself cleaned up and cried out the door to the checkout area and to the parking lot to call my husband. He had no idea I was having to get a biopsy done.

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Overwhelmingly, I explained everything and I could hear the sadness in his voice.. he asked a million questions and for once I didn't have many answers for him.

His mom had just passed a year prior to this because of cancer and now he is hearing that his wife had to get a biopsy done to see if she has cancer. You know, people tell me all the time that I am so strong.. y'all.. the strong one is my husband. I have seen true strength through him and his mom. He was so close to his mom, losing her was gut wrenching and now hearing this.. I can't even imagine how he was really feeling.

Days pass by and my bleeding has lightened up, I guess since the doctor had removed a lot just from trying to get through to get a good sample of tissue.

I was also placed on birth control during this time to help control things. I didn't want to take it, but I felt like I had no choice, because this was just ridiculous. I was anemic. I was just sick and weak. And I was sick and damn tired of how things were going.

Do NOT approach heavy bleeding/passing large clots with a "wait and see" attitude. I needed a blood transfusion, from what my doctor told me.. he was very shocked I wasn't worse off and was thankful that my body did a good job of keeping me together.

My body did NOT like me giving it birth control after everything it had been going through already.

My blood pressure started suffering because of it. I was extremely lightheaded all day. At one point I remember going outside to take my dogs to go potty with my husband. I was petting our big dog and I looked up at Chris and I had tunnel vision in my left eye, my right eye lost all vision, then everything went completely black in a few seconds my vision was back.

If you don't know what tunnel vision is like, here is a good example of how things look.


I went inside and called the doctor and he took me off the birth control immediately to prevent any additional issues.

I had many doctor appointments through all that to make sure I was okay.

My biopsy results came back clear, NO CANCER!! 
That was one positive on this hell of a ride I was on.

My doctor wanted me to take progesterone daily for 2 months straight, but I thought that my bleeding was coming to an end since it was beginning to lighten up. I told him that if my bleeding didn't stop that I would start treatment. I finally got to a point to where I was only spotting. We were working together to monitor how things were going with me.

After all of that I ended up getting in with a thyroid specialist. He has improved my thyroid medications to help me since even after I was adjusted from being over medicated, I was then under medicated. He said that could have had a lot to do with why I was bleeding so badly aside from PCOS and doing IVF and having a miscarriage. He also determined after reviewing my medical folder that most likely my reason for miscarrying is due to my thyroid, so he will be on top of monitoring that.

After the biopsy... after the birth control.. after the thyroid medicine adjustment, my bleeding never fully stopped, so I started looking into a top OB/GYN doctor to handle my situation. She is booked solid through the year.

My sister-in-law's wedding was around the corner, so I wanted to go through all that and then deal with my health stuff since my doctor had told me that I may need surgery. Five days before her wedding, my bleeding which had started to get pretty heavy again, stopped completely without any warning. Totally strange, but I'll take it.

It has been a month. It stopped October 10th. I am starting to bleed again, but I hope this will be a regular period. I am looking into more top doctors in my area to be prepared.

I've not been able to work on losing weight or anything like I had planned. It seems that when I try to make a plan to do positive changes, my body goes completely against it. My uterus must have ears.. 

This year has been a wild ride.

I stopped blogging. I didn't know how to blog through all of that. Each blog post would have been exhausting to type.. and sometimes it is really hard to put your feelings into words.

I am getting closer and closer to when I lost the baby. Christmas will never be the same for me.

As I sit here right now, I have lost a lot of confidence within myself. A lot of the time I don't like myself. My anxiety is tough to deal with and I have been fighting off depression. I'm exhausted.

I remember when I use to tell my readers to keep fighting, don't give up on your dreams of having a baby. Sure it is nice to hear and to say, but sometimes not fully realistic, I guess. Some people end up not being able to have a child. Some people do. Some people end up pregnant naturally, some it takes medical help. Some people miscarry, some don't. There are so many different ways things can go down and you don't ever really know your own path. You can't predict what will happen and it turn out right every time. You can't say that everything has sucked so much ass that it will continue to do so, because you may be surprised. You might win at everything, but you could lose. Life is crazy. But I know now that I can't tell you to keep fighting, only you know when you need to stop, if you need to stop. You know if you need to keep going through it.. Is it good for you to continue, can you get through one more month.. you could have a setback, you could have a blessing. 
Only you can make the decision to do what you feel is right for your own journey. Keep going or don't. Do what is right for you!

As for me.. I don't know.
I am a planner. I am an analyzer. I am an overthinker. I am a "wanna know it all". 

After this rollercoaster of a ride, would I still want to see Chris and I have children? Yes.
Do I feel it will happen? I can't see it. Not currently.
Am I giving up? Not exactly. I'm going with the flow of whatever.
Do I feel like hell? Words can't describe how defeated I feel right now.

I am hoping to get my health in order. I have an appointment to check on my thyroid November 28th, the doctor will most likely end up doing an ultrasound on it since it swells frequently throughout the day. I am hoping to motivate myself enough to get in the habit of working out. I am not saying that outloud, remember, my uterus has ears!! I am hoping to see a change. I am hoping that somehow we can cover medications for another round of IVF, I still have enough coverage to cover my procedures, just not enough for medications. I have a lot of hopes, but I am staying realistic. We need to win the lottery for sure.

I have many unread/unpublished comments and questions on my blog and I apologize for that. If you have a question about Provera, search for it on my blog site and make sure to read where others have asked questions, your answer may already be there. I can still be contacted on my Facebook page for the blog. I do not post on the Facebook blog page, but I will still get messages.

Thank you to everyone who has checked on me.

I might continue blogging. I don't know. Only time will tell.

Until then, take care of yourself and follow your heart!

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